This is a poem about a man, who, in my mind, is in around his 40s. He desires to be a good person and loyal to his god. But in this religion he is unloved by god, and he will never go to heaven or be loved because he is an abuser, a killer, a “demon”.

I’m a Christian
A proud Christian
Through I wonder every night
If I’m the child
Of a demon
Or the child of god
I’m a sole in a cell
The cell of a demon
A demon that grows bigger and bigger
As I hold my chest tight to keep it in
Oh god I must ask
Am I human or not
Do I deserve to see heaven
Or Do I deserve to see hell
Do you love me
Or despise me for what I have done
I wish to be happy
I wish to be loved
I wish to be loyal for you are my god
I try so hard every time
I suppress and oppress all that you despise
Though I end up feeling like an empty can
I try and try
To love
To do only good
To never kill
To never do wrong
But I always fail
Fail at every end
Hands covered in blood
Mind full of rage
Heart full of sorrow
What do I do?
Am I a child of a demon
Or a child of god
Will I never change
Was I born this way?
I seek happiness just like all your children
I feel feelings as well
But I feel rage most of all
Rage at the world for treating the monster that I am
Like a monster
For hurting me
For destroying me
And most of all my rage to you
You had the power to stop it
You gave me a life surrounded by rage
Surrounded by pain
Surrounded by shame
You killed my mother
And my brother and my sister
You left me with the demon of my father
How can you expect a child raised by a demon to not become a demon themselves
How could you tell me that you will disown me
Because I disobeyed your impossible rules
Because I did wrong to this cruel world
You did more wrong then all of your children
For you are responsible
For the life of every child
You may call yourself god
Though you’re no better than a demon.
For all that I went through
You still think that I deserve hell
After the hell you birthed me in
You will put me back in it

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